The last blog was very negative... I was given the advice of deleting it. I decided not to, because my life has dimension here. I am not always happy, and I am not always sad. Somedays I am convinceŠ² that this is not the place for me, and others I feel like this is exactly where God wants me to be. Life is complicated and there are many facets to my experience here. That being said, I am not giving up on Kazakhstan and my work just yet.
I met with my sitemates on Friday night, and they were mostly very supportive. In some ways it is good to hear their advice. Some have found meaningful work here through their own doing, another seems to have a working organization. It's frustrating to hear them say over and over that you have to make your own work. I think I have been trying my hardest to do that. When they say that, I know I become very critical of myself. But really, I don't think that making your own projects is what "they" told me OCAP is all about. When I leave, what will be my legacy? I think I believed too much that I would be designing projects with people so that they would be able to run the show when my time is done. maybe that's not going to happen. I should just start my own stuff.
at least this experience is helping me define my life goals post PC. I do not want to work in any programming sphere. I don't want to organize NGOs or public health. I want to be a doctor. I want to concretely solve problems. No programs and organizations after PC!
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Yesterday was a better day. Bota is amazing! Once again, her friendship is the best part of Karaganda. We went ice skating at the park and then had tea at her house. She read me my zodiac. I am surprised by some of it--I know I am gulible for that stuff. But it said specifically that I don't like to eat fats, chocolate, mayonaise or have too much alcohol. Seriously. That's creepily accurate. I asked if I would find meaningful work in Kazakhtan and it said I had to be brave, courageous, and act. So... that's what I hope to do. Then we smoked hookah.
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2 comments:
Glad you're not giving up on Kazakhstan!! Can't wait to visit! SOON!!
you're a pretty rad sitemate, i'm just gonna put that out there.
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